For the past two years I’ve spent New Year’s Eve in Times Square, the epicenter of NYE celebrations. You won’t find me standing on a street corner with the rest of the revelers. Instead, I’ve been tucked inside a theater adjacent to Times Square watching my partner’s favorite band perform. Though in the past I’d prefer to be at home alone, I started going to the shows with my partner out of love and then because of an intention I set one year to have more fun.
Each year, as I walked through the crowds, on the faces of nearly every reveler, was the desire to be better or to escape something. I used to be that way. These days I don’t want to escape from anything but I still want to be my best self. NYE resolutions grow from this desire to be better — and from the natural transition of a new year. A clean slate, a chance to start anew, is so very enticing.
This is why we have outgrowths of NYE goals like sober January. Structures like this aren't a bad thing. They just aren't the most powerful way to change your life.
Much of the advice on self-change programs is based on tangibles like goals and habits which generally produce surface change at best. "Experts" tell us that we just need 21 days to make something a habit, with the promise of real change implied.
Goals might help you get a laundry list of goals complete, but rarely produce the real change you seek. And the advice that it only takes 21 days to form a habit? Research shows it can take 12 times longer to make a habit stick.
Sustainable change happens over time and is largely guided by your mindset. I've always been goal-oriented so this was a hard lesson for me to learn. My goal orientation was so strong that when I kid, I consistently won sales contests. It didn't matter what I was selling, I had to hit a goal. My early jobs all had timelines, milestones and goals embedded in the job description. I learned the really hard way that goals don't always mean change. It led me on a years-long journey to understand the research behind motivation, growth and change.
Finally, 10 years ago I let go of self-change programs like resolutions. But I didn't let go of the notion that I could be a better version of myself so I starting doing a theme for the year. The theme serves as guide, helping me focus. It allows me to make meaningful progress in an area of my life.
I'm still a recovering Type A so the need to meet imaginary standards creeps up once in a while. But now on the rare chance I set a goal, they look more like intentions and are always an outgrowth of the theme.
This is a part of a series. Here’s how to put a theme to work.
If you want to read more of the research and learn how to set your own theme, check out the Anti-Goals Guide.